Plot: A soccer team is about to hold a bikini car wash on the beach, hoping to raise some funds for their squad. A lot of the plan rests on Blake (Tarek Gader), who has arranged a bus to take most of the girls, but he also hopes his kindness will win him some brownie points with the ladies. His friend Tommy (Ivan Peric) handles driving duties and soon, the bus in on the road to the beach. But just as some of the girls worried, the bus soon breaks down and the group is stuck at a remote gas station. The place seems to be abandoned, but with repairs underway, the girls decide to start the car wash here and at least raise a little cash. A few cars pass through, including a couple who have run out of gas and walked to the station. As time passes, strange things begin to happen and some people disappear without a trace. The bus is still broken down and night is coming soon, but what lurks in the shadows?
Entertainment Value: This movie delivers on the promise of the title, as there are indeed bikini girls and they do wind up on ice. But aside from that noble gesture, this winds up as a dull, mostly uneventful experience. The story makes no sense, even by slasher movie standards, but that is kind of a positive. After all, wild and gaping plot holes can add some entertainment. I’d rank the performances as the best part of this one, as we have a crew of awkward, stilted efforts that is bound to at least make you chuckle here and there. The script has them overexplain things and have needless exchanges, which enhances the fun. But while I love bad acting and awkward writing, it isn’t enough to keep Bikini Girls on Ice afloat. The pace is slow and we’re given no real reason to care about anyone, so the kills have minimal impact. The sense of dread from a madman on the hunt just isn’t here. The killer is kind of funny, with his odd squeals, but there’s no creative edge to his kills and most of the violence is off screen. I wanted to love this one, but aside from some beautiful girls in bikinis and hilariously awkward performances, this one doesn’t have much to offer.
Lots of hot girls in bikinis and even a couple lesbian kisses, but only one brief topless scene is present. I did appreciate the random hookup with a stranger at one point, but not enough sleaze in this one. As I said above, most of the kills happen off screen and that is a shame. We just see the killer hack down over and over, while seeing none of the fun stuff. This exact formula happens a lot, so not only is it disappointing for being off screen, but it is also repetitive. A couple visible moments of bloodshed are here, including a nice throat slash, but not much. I don’t need insane levels of blood and gore, but at least either give us or that effective tension with the kills. Dialogue wise, we have some inept writing performed by awkward actors, which is a recipe for fun. All the better are the Canadian and French Canadian accents, which amplify the ridiculous moments. A scene I loved was when the girls find a phone, discover it is locked, instantly guess the right code, listen to just enough exposition on a message, then have the phone shut off. So much unnecessary stuff like this, you have to find entertainment in that. None of the dialogue is memorable or quotable, but it is fun to watch the cast in all their cringe glory. No real craziness here, honestly. Minimal violence, minimal sex, and while the story is nonsense, it never tries to be over the top nonsense.
Overall Insanity: 0/10