Story: As Noah loaded up his fabled ark, he of course took two of each animal, just as instructed by his divine lord. While most animals took the news well and just accepted the horrific death that awaited, one shark decided to try to line up a threesome. A shark approaches Noah’s son Zadkiel and makes a good case, so the shark is snuck onto the ark. Of course, this shark happens to be a minion of Satan and after Noah discovers this betrayal, the shark chomps down on Zadkiel and promises to hunt down humans for the rest of time. Fast forward to present day, as a televangelist (Jeff Kirkendall) needs a miracle to keep his reality show on television, so he plans to track down the mythical ark. But can a washed up priest, an emo pop punk priest, and a mercenary stand up to the forces of a satanic shark?

Entertainment Value: I can’t resist Mark Polonia movies, especially ones with titles like Noah’s Shark, but I suspected the movie might not live up to that epic namesake. I wanted to love this one, as I love shark movies and I love outlandish concepts, but Noah’s Shark was slow and offers few payouts, so there isn’t a lot to praise here. The emphasis is on long winded, dull exposition that tries to be humorous at times, but comes off as dusty and plodding in most scenes. I had expected a wild, over the top movie, so this was quite a shock to those expectations, but even adjusting for what the movie wants to do, this is a rather boring effort from Polonia. You see flashes of the b movie magic, such as the rampant, repetitious use of the one shark attack in flashback after flashback, but I wanted more wackiness and insane moments, which are in short supply here.

I did appreciate the b movie vibes when they were around however, for example I loved the ridiculous rubber shark, I just wanted more shark attacks. The flashbacks of the attack are hilarious, since the movie uses that same shark attack over and over instead of fresh kill scenes, so there is some carny appeal from that perspective. Noah also happens to look like he’s wearing a Lord of the Rings costume from Spirit Halloween’s clearance section, which was fun. Some of the other highlights include a kink driven exorcism, a shark with good negotiating skills, and the hilarious young priest, who looks and acts like he fronts an emo pop punk band. When Noah’s Shark lets the b movie vibes take hold, this is decent fun, but all the boring exposition dragged this down too much. But I know many will be unable to resist the premise, so at least there are some fun bits present in this one.

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