Plot: In a world filled with bloodthirsty pirates, none are as ruthless as Captain Victor Stagnetti (Tommy Gunn), who sails the high seas in search of powerful relics to grow his cutthroat legend. At his side is Serena (Janine Lindemulder), a vicious and seductive pirate in her own right and when Stagnetti needs something done, he dispatches his right hand woman. In his search for a fabled scepter of great power, Stagnetti kidnaps a young couple and tries to track down a mystical dagger, both of which are needed to unlock the scepter’s true potential. Meanwhile, Captain Edward Reynolds (Evan Stone) is also on the hunt, but he seeks to stop Stagnetti and all the other nefarious types, as Reynolds is a renowned pirate hunter. As these two powerful Captains sail toward an inevitable showdown, which side will win out when the ultimate clash between good and evil unfolds on a remote tropical island?
Entertainment Value: If you like your porn to be ambitious, you won’t find many adult films with a grander scale than Pirates, as it has a large cast, a focus on narrative, and production values a cut above the usual. I mean, Pirates combines girls being probed by enormous penises with hordes of digital, mystical skeletons, so I don’t know what else fans could ask for here. The emphasis on story is impressive, with a core tale of high seas adventure and mystical relics, a clash between a pirate captain and a pirate hunter, and a showdown that deliver some wackiness. The movie invests real time into the story and even character development, with several side threads that unfold, including one that finds a female first mate seeking to prove herself as an equal. This results in a more all around cinematic experience, since we have a capable narrative, some pirate style action scenes, and of course, a wealth of hardcore sex of various types, making Pirates much more ambitious than most of its peers. That being said, the movie more than delivers on what porn does best, so the sex is frequent and varied, it just has more story around it than you might be accustomed to. All the added production values, story threads, and top flight cast ensure Pirates crafts a grand vision and the movie is immense fun, provided you can appreciate adult cinema. But even if you’re not a frequent porn viewer, this one has real b movie vibes and entertains on levels beyond just the carnal, so Pirates is well recommended.
This is hardcore porn and as such, it is filled with graphic and vivid sexual content, including naked bodies of both women and men. So you’ll see a constant parade of breasts, butts, pussies, and penises, all put into action often. If you’re offended by such displays of erotic desires, you can always check out the R rated version of Pirates, but be warned, it really tones down the sexual elements, even beyond removing the hardcore style content. But this wonderful, uncut hardcore version showcases numerous sex scene and while most are man/woman, we do have some girl on girl and an especially fun lesbian threesome on hand. In other words, this one gets full sleaze points and more than delivers on the nakedness end of the spectrum. This one has some mild sword and swashbuckling style action, but no bloodshed. The tone is mostly light and comedic, so it makes sense to skip the vivid violence. Pirates has a lot of fun dialogue, between the movie’s goofy sense of humor and some of the over the top performances. Evan Stone is hilarious as the cornball Captain Reynolds and has some of the film’s best lines, but his costars share in the silliness as well. I did appreciate the moments when Pirates tries to be a little more serious, but in the dialogue department, it is the humor that drives the most memorable moments. The general wackiness here is solid, with the campy lines and performances, as well as the b movie elements. I mean, the movie includes hordes of digital skeletons, which have to be worth some crazy points, right?
Overall Insanity: 3/10