Plot: A cabin in the remote woods is the ideal place to meet with some friends, unless an old man covered in blood knocks on the door. A group of loudmouth, self important friends enjoy a dinner and talk about all of life’s nonsense. One chick is banging an old man, this guy is running for city council, this lady is pregnant, and a guy tries to whip his dick out at the table. But all of these life affirming discussions are interrupted by a heavy knock at the door, which turns out to be…an old man covered in blood. He shambles inside, coughs blood all over one of the friends, a woman named Tess. His elderly wisdom before death is a stern warning to NEVER OPEN THE DOOR, then he passes on to a better place. Soon odd things began to happen around the place, including a strong suspicion that Tess is not the real Tess. But is Tess just shaken up from her ordeal or has she been replaced by some strange doppelganger?
Entertainment Value: Never Open the Door is a short, brisk jaunt that has a strong Twilight Zone/Outer Limits vibe. A group of pretentious douches have their meal ruin by a dead old man, then chaos breaks loose in the house. The movie opens with the friends around the table and man, this is epic level cringe. I wish the entire movie was just these guys talking at the table, as the conversation is so odd and packed with cringe, not to mention the peculiar performances. I loved the chick with the Tommy Wiseau accent, but my personal favorite had to be the guy running for city council. The scene where he blocks a door with awkward swaying movements and the two women utter terrible, but hilarious protests is a minor masterpiece. I have no idea if this movie was meant to be taken seriously, but it is seriously a lot of fun to watch. The horror element is fine, with some jump scares and weird visuals, but the ridiculous dialogue and oddball cast are the main reason to check this out.
The nakedness is limited to one shower scene, but we get to see some pretty epic breasts and bare ass. Of course, she’s washing off the blood spat upon her by a now dead old man, but still. The blood is present more than I expected, with a decent amount aside from some weak CGI ruining the fun. Still some cool moments, though none of it ever hits that level to qualify as gore, just some light bloodshed. No super absorbency needed here. As I said, I loved the ludicrous dialogue in this movie, as it is either random or just so pretentious. These are douche characters and they pull out all the douche stops, so it is a lot of fun. But the star of this show has to be Mike Wood as Luke, as he is so much fun to watch here. That scene I talked about earlier where he blocks a door in the weirdest way ever is just pure gold. But trust me, the others put up some respectable cringe as well, so its all good. Nothing over the top insane happens here, but you have to award points for Wood’s performance, the inane but priceless dialogue, and the oddball cast, I think.
Overall Insanity: 2/10