Plot: A fracking operation in rural Arkansas has caused some serious problems, as the blasts opened a sealed off underground ocean. This ocean wasn’t barren and now, the creatures from within are unleashed on the world above. A massive shark is that mix and as it explores this new world, a trail of blood and death is left in its wake. At the same time, two detectives are in the area on an investigation and a van from the women’s prison is taking inmates to do some hard labor. But when Honey (Dominique Swain) hijacks the prison bus to break out her girlfriend, the guards and inmates are pulled into her wild plan. After one of the prisoners is killed by a shark, the group runs into a geologist and his assistant, who have some insights into the situation. As the body count rises and the shark continues to feed on anyone it can catch, will anyone survive this unexpected shark invasion?
Entertainment Value: Sharkansas Woman’s Prison Massacre might be a great title, but sadly, there’s no women’s prison involved. So if you’re hoping for the sleaze of a WIP movie, you can drop that dream now. In truth, this movie is never inside a prison and there’s no nudity, let alone lurid lesbian scenes. So that sucks. The story is of course total nonsense, which is what we want in this kind of flick. An ancient shark is awakened, a Charles Dickens first edition is discovered, peaches & beans are eaten, and Traci Lords is a detective. So despite the lack of breasts, we do have this ridiculous premise that has odd moments, so that’s a plus. Dominique Swain leads the cast and is terrible, easily her worst performance, but its still hilarious. The rest of the cast is bad too, with a lot of Cinemax late night type performances and with Lords as a grizzled detective, you know its all going to be fun. As much as I loved the ludicrous story and terrible acting, the lack of naked girls and good bloodshed is a real issue. Not the worst of these CGI monster movies, but a lot of untapped potential.
No naked girls in this one. I know, the cast seems to have been chosen based on their breasts, but no boobies here. Like not even close. There is blood, but as you probably guessed, its our old friend CGI. But most of the kills are blood free, either just teased off screen or so quick you don’t see much of the death. Seems like a missed chance for some old school fun, as some over the top practical effects would have been right at home in this one. The sharks look like what you’d expect, low end CGI, but that is part and parcel with the experience. The dialogue is one of the film’s saving graces, as it is so bad you can’t help be entertained. Swain has a horrible Southern accent that makes her lines even more hilarious, but most of the cast get plenty of bad jokes or exchanges that make little to no sense. Good times. I admit, the story is totally insane and makes zero sense, but this could have been so much crazier. I wanted to love this movie, but it just feels like some crucial genre pieces are absent.
Overall Insanity: 3/10