Story: Count Dracula (Jamie Gillis) has been in hibernation for a while, only to be woken up by Renfield (Richard Bulik), whose family has long been in service of the vampire. Renfield is insane, which isn’t too much of a problem, since Dracula’s castle now rests close to an asylum and of course, the recently risen vampire can’t resist visiting his neighbors. As if Dr. Seward (John Leslie) didn’t have enough problems at the asylum, the arrival of Dracula and his brides have made things even worse, as the vampire bites lead to a real outbreak. What is Dracula’s interest in this asylum and is there anyone who can stop the infamous bloodsucker?
Entertainment Value: This seems like it would be a can’t miss, cult classic type picture, but I found Dracula Sucks to be a disappointment. I appreciate wackiness and inexplicable artistic choices, but this was a miss for me and while I found some entertainment, it felt like so much potential was wasted here. An all star cast that includes Jamie Gillis, Serena, Seka, Mike Ranger, Kay Parker, and even John Holmes is found here, along with a wild premise of Gillis as Dracula, but sadly, the pieces don’t fall into place and this winds up as a rather dull experience. Even the erotic sequences leave a lot to be desired in this case, despite the cast involved, thanks to some odd editing decisions that leave those scenes feeling quite unsatisfying. The performances are mostly fun, whether its Richard Bulik’s unhinged turn, Holmes’ ridiculous performance, or Kay Parker, who treats the material like serious drama, so that adds some fun here, to be sure. But when you combine lackluster erotic scenes with a slow pace and runtime of over 90 minutes, things tend to slow down and Dracula Sucks does indeed drag in some stretches. I wanted to like this one, as it seemed to have the right blend for a cult classic, but I would tender a light recommendation at best.
This is a hardcore production, so it earns the full score in nudity, but the sex scenes are not as fun as I expected. Most are shot from weird angles, as if covering for a safe version, which means most of the action is never visible. All of the scenes offer some vivid footage of course, but none seem to be a start to finish experience, with even cumshots off screen. So we have this all star cast of adult cinema, only to have the sex scenes fizzle out. But we do have oral going both ways and numerous penetration scenes, so there is some sleaze on showcase. This is a vampire movie, so there is some blood, but it is bright red and not realistic or graphic at all. The various vampire bites leave behind huge smears of the red stuff, but the show stopper happens during John Holmes’ scene. His enormous soft dong is bitten by a vampire, which is the highlight of this one, if you ask me. The dialogue can be fun or it can be insufferably dull, but I do have to award some points here. Most of the dialogue is rather mundane, but we do have some bad jokes, one liners, and oddball exchanges. I wish the wackiness we see glimpses of would have been the focus, instead of drawn out, serious sequences. As for the craziness, we have the awkward writing, the outlandish performances, Jamie Gillis as Dracula, and John Holmes alone deserves an extra point or so, for how outrageous and awful his turn is here. As I said in the dialogue section, I wish this would have been wilder and campier, but it opts for boredom over bonkers.
Overall Insanity: 4/10