Story: Seven years have passed since Charles Scavolini took a brutal approach to dealing with his wife’s cheating ways, killing her in horrific fashion. The crime shocked local residents and he was scuttled off to a mental asylum, where he has been ever since. But of course, he has managed to escape after slaying some of the asylum workers and he is headed home, though he will soon discover his old house hasn’t stayed abandoned. A group of wild teens has moved in and throw parties with their friends at the site, unaware of the danger lurking in the darkness. Will Scavolini reclaim his former home or will he just crack open a few beers with Psycho Clive?

Entertainment Value: I can’t resist a low-fi, shot on video horror movie from the 90s, so I hoped Garden Tool Massacre would be a fun ride. The narrative here starts off with some direction, but soon just turns into a body count slasher, not that I dislike that idea. This movie runs just over an hour, but has a good deal of slow or even filler sequences, so the jump to the slasher elements likely could have happened much sooner. I could also have seen this with better paced kills, fewer time between or better builds to each kill, to tighten the pace and hold interest. As it stands, the pace languishes and I love the DIY vibe here, but I found the end result to be dull and forgettable. There is always a curio with shot on video horror films however, so there is a charm here and some nostalgia value, I just wish Garden Tool Massacre had a little more to offer overall.

No nakedness. Aside from some titillating dance moves in a couple scenes, there is no erotic component present here. There is some bloodshed however, as much like the title promises, some garden tools and other implements are, well…implemented. The movie opens with a tense, aggressive stab session that yields some splashes of the red stuff. You can also see such weapons as a corkscrew, hedge clippers, and the Von Erich Iron Claw put to use to snuff out the teens. The highlight is a hedge trimer dismemberment that offers a little more (and better lit) gore than the other scenes, not to mention it is a little longer and more vivid. The blood isn’t frequent however, so don’t expect a splatter festival or a high volume of gore, there is some, but not a lot. The dialogue is not memorable, but it can be hard to understand, thanks to thick accents and production limitations. On the craziness scale, we have a pizza ambush, a good amount of awkward dance moves, amateur chiropractic work, and ominous shaving.

Nudity: 0/10

Blood: 3/10

Dialogue: 1/10

Overall Insanity: 3/10

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