Story: Doug (Greg Cohan) is a priest with a past, one that haunts him as he watched his own parents perish in a car explosion. In the wake of this tremendous loss, Greg ventures to China and hopes to find enlightenment, or at least not run into trouble. But he runs into trouble and is given a strange, almost mystical totem from a dragon or dinosaur. As he soon discovers, a cut from the tooth has come with a price and now when he loses his temper, he transforms. A priest might not do much to stop street crime, but a priest that turns into a velociraptor sure can and with the help of a prostitute, Greg decides to use his new power to protect the innocent. Of course, his vigilante tactics draw the attention of local crime lords and soon, he is a target for their wrath. Can he fend of ninjas, battle his inner demons, and find true love?
Entertainment Value: However you feel about this movie, The Velocipastor does indeed deliver on the premise and we do have a priest that transforms into a vicious dinosaur. Perhaps vicious is a stretch, as the beast mode looks more like a painted cardboard box than a dinosaur, but it is fun to watch and fulfills the title’s wild promise. The narrative is of course outlandish and even at 75 minutes, feels stretched thin, so the pace is a little wonky and not all the scenes are memorable. I did appreciate the sudden, brief shift to Daniel Steere’s Father Stewart as the focus, as those scenes were hilarious and some of the film’s highlights. The action is hokey, but fun and while the humor lands flat in a lot of cases, the passion and creativity involved help elevate the script in those moments. I do think the movie is inconsistent and has some lulls, but overall The Velocipastor is a solid, fun b movie that dreams big and sometimes overcomes its limited resources, so it earns a recommendation.
No nakedness. There is a love scene, but it is more about expositional montage use than smoldering sex. My girlfriend was disappointed the movie failed to show the priest’s dick, so there’s that. So if you wanted to see a dinosaur involved in some hardcore action, maybe next time. There is some blood however and while not soaked in gore, there is a consistent drip of cheap red stuff here. We are given a katana slash, a splashy neck wound, one of the best timed red mist jobs ever, some arrow wounds, and a memorable geyser fueled decapitation. The dialogue is fine and brings some cheese here and there, but I didn’t love the bulk of the intentional attempts at humor. Some of the cheesy lines were fun however, so I will throw up a point or two for those. The craziness isn’t off the rails, but we have a good selection of wackiness to soak in. You will witness a generous prostitute, an unfortunate reunion, a hell of a flashback wig, an awkward high five, many ninjas, a newspaper nap, and a douchebag seance.
Overall Insanity: 6/10
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