Plot: After a lot of pouting, whining, and emotional abuse, Anna (Dakota Johnson) and Christian (Jamie Dornan) have decided to take their insecurities into wedlock and hope for the best. Anna continues her emotional manipulation of Christian and enjoys the benefits of his wealth and influence, even collecting another promotion at work while she was on vacation. She loves her new position, even if Christian rages with jealousy to the point of barging into meetings if she talks with a male author. She says she needs space, he sulks and tries to control her, then they decide to indulge in thirty seconds of passionate sex, classic Anna and Christian. But when Jack (Eric Johnson) turns out to be a mastermind of tech and targets the couple’s happiness, it is clear that Christian needs to sing and go on vacation. Then some women try on dresses and Anna weeps at a bank, but you know, shit happens.
Entertainment Value: If there is ever a Mount Rushmore of bad movies, Fifty Shades Freed deserves a place there, right next to The Room and Fateful Findings, as this is one of the most outlandish, nonsensical films I have ever witnessed. A lot of movies are bad, but very few are so bad that every scene, every line is so terrible, that the movie turns into a quasi-masterpiece of inept cinema. I mean, this movie makes no sense and never even tries, shifting between tones, moods, and narrative threads with no regard for any of the rules of film. I also appreciate that Christian and Anna constantly try to control and emotionally abuse each other, but they’re both so insecure and delusional that it comes off as romance. Dakota Johnson is radiant here as a fourteen year old girl’s vision of a powerful female, while Jamie Dornan is hilarious as a weak willed version of a Lifetime movie villain. And seriously, the movie pushes you to root for a miscarriage and that is just cinematic gold. I had to pinch myself to make sure I was awake, as I couldn’t believe Fifty Shades Freed was as deliriously terrible as it was, but rest assured, it is all that and so much more. I had an absolute blast with this one, for unintended reasons, but it still ranks as one of the best/worst movies ever made, a true landmark of oblivious, cringe worthy cinema.
The original Fifty Shades had a good amount of sexual content, while the first sequel toned it down and that trend continues here. This one has very little sex involved and what sex scene do pop up, are the tamest in the series. Dakota is topless often and both leads show bare asses, but the sex is quite tame and the nakedness is never even close to graphic or gratuitous. I mean, she does rub ice cream on his bush, but like most of the sexual content in the movie, it is implied and very little is shown. But hey, points for licking ice cream out of pubic hair, right? No blood. Jack slaps Anna around and some gun shots are present, but none of the violence is intense or graphic. The dialogue here is beyond outlandish, it all feels like nervous improv with no script whatsoever and the first take was used each time. Just cringe line after cringe line, with bipolar tonal shifts and total nonsense around every corner. None of this seems even remotely natural or believable, even when compared to the dialogue and characters from the previous two installments. This is epic, ridiculous writing performed in terrible fashion, a perfect storm for fans of quotable, unintentionally hilarious dialogue. As for craziness, the jaw dropping dialogue, character developments, and narrative choices run rampant, so it never feels natural or stable. Christian sings, Anna is put into a coma from two slaps, the Greys have an ugly child, and even more, but the wildest, most hilarious part of the movie is the naive, misguided attempt to present Anna as empowered, it is so delusional, but adds so much fun.
Overall Insanity: 10/10