Plot: A young man named Jake (Tom Taylor) has vivid dreams about another world, one where a dark tower looms as the central point in an epic battle between the forces of good and evil. His obsession with the dreams concerns his parents and teachers, so he has to visit therapists and endure intense scrutiny. All he wants to do is sketch his dreams and try to make sense of the visions, but little does he know, this other world is all too real. When Jake escapes to this other dimension, he realizes that what happens there, can impact his own world. A man in black (Matthew McConaughey) wields incredible power and seeks to harness enough power to finally overtake the tower, with Jake as his ideal candidate. But Jake has a protector in Roland (Idris Elba), a worn down gunslinger who is broken down, but might have enough gas in the tank for one final showdown. With the fate of worlds hanging in the balance, who will claim victory in this last stand battle?
Entertainment Value: I can’t imagine how The Dark Tower could be much worse, as it is a dull, convoluted mess. Those familiar with the book series by Stephen King will pick up more on the narrative’s turns, but in truth, this is just a terrible movie that doesn’t seem to fire on any cylinder. The story is overly complicated and tries to shove way too much exposition into one movie, which means there’s no tension or atmosphere, or really any reason to care about anyone involved. Idris Elba is passable, but has nothing to do in most scenes, while Matthew McConaughey delivers a performance so bad, his car commercials put it to shame. He puts in so little effort, he seems asleep at times and couldn’t be less interested in the material. His awful performance is almost campy enough to be hilarious, but his energy level is so low, you become concerned he is dead and being used as a marionette. I suppose the movie could have still been ok, but it then piles on mediocre action scenes that worse than made for television level CGI and stunts, just abysmal stuff. I can usually find some shred of entertainment in any movie, but with The Dark Tower, it was a consistent chore to watch.
No nakedness. A little blood, but most of the shootouts are bloodless and what little bloodshed is present is cheap CGI. Even like wounds from magic attacks are low end CGI, kind of baffling why the effects ended up so poorly crafted. The lack of sex and gore is no surprise, as the movie seems to be aimed at the teen crowd, with kind of a YA vibe that keeps things sanitized and PG-13. I would have never believed this was based on Stephen King’s work if I didn’t know the series beforehand, as it is devoid of any kind of depth or even mild tension. The dialogue is forgettable and aside from McConaughey’s lifeless delivery, never stands out at all. His deadpan, dead eyed performance does bring out a laugh or two, only because of the boldness in how little effort and care he shows for this movie. No real craziness outside McConaughey’s lazy performance, just a lot of terrible CGI and little else.
Overall Insanity: 0/10