Plot: After a series of devastating, planet wide natural disasters, mankind seemed doomed to extinction. But in a last ditch effort for survival, nations put aside all differences and sent their best & brightest, to figure out a solution. The result was a massive network of satellites, known as Dutch-Boy, after the old tale of the boy who stuck his finger in a dam. The man behind the program was Jake Lawson (Gerard Butler), but he was removed for not following protocol and the operation was turned over to his brother, Max (Jim Sturgess). In the years since, things have gone well, but a recent flash freeze in Afghanistan has left numerous dead. Before a plan can be put in motion to find answers, more rogue weather events have unfolded and things seem to be on the brink of worldwide disaster. Now someone needs to visit the space station and get things sorted out, but the only man up to that task is Jake. He reluctantly agrees, but once he is on the station, he begins to realize these aren’t malfunctions, but something far more sinister…
Entertainment Value: I don’t think anyone would expect classic cinema from Geostorm, but who doesn’t enjoy watch entire civilizations wiped out by ridiculous weather disasters, right? As it turns out, Geostorm has immense faith in the narrative and feels a lot of wild disaster set pieces aren’t needed. Uh…what? I know, but it is true and the movie falls back on a handful of mostly brief disaster scenes, then burns the rest of the almost two hour duration on the storyline. I hoped for a big budget SyFy Original, but those guys would at least pack in disaster after disaster, as well as some colorful, if a little washed up stars. Geostorm spends more time showing us this video game looking space station than the disasters, which is a shame. When we are treated to people to being flash frozen, smashed by hail, and washed away by tidal waves, it is fun, even if the CGI is beyond jank. But the storyline is just duller than dishwater and since the movie runs on and on, we’re stuck with this lousy political thriller shoehorned into a disaster movie. I mean, I just don’t understand. The movie was shelved for years, so perhaps it was just doomed from the outset. In any event, even if you’re a CGI popcorn movie junkie, this one is safe to skip.
No nakedness. I mean, I am kind of glad they mostly avoided pushing a romance into the storyline, so there’s that. No blood. No real violence whatsoever, beyond the wrath of mother nature…or tech nature…or whatever. So people drown, get frozen, sucked out of an air lock, burned up, etc., but no bloodshed. The special effects were about what I expected, a notch or two above SyFy. When the movie does deliver on the promise of the concept, it is decent fun. The weird weather provides some cool visuals despite the cheese level CGI, so more of that and this could have at least been one for the popcorn, CGI audience. I mean, that is what I think most people wanted here, silly special effects and wild visuals, so I don’t understand the focus on narrative. Or at least cut the movie so the long, dull stretches aren’t as prevalent. I can’t remember even one memorable line in this one. All this weather related madness and they couldn’t have squeezed in a pun or two? Epic fail, if you ask me. I did think Max’s girlfriend was a bad ass character, but too bad she is stuck in this clunker. I do think what little weather mayhem we get is fun, but there’s just not enough of it. So I will score one point for the few scenes of wacky weather, but that’s it for this one.
Overall Insanity: 1/10